Learning to Love
by Idiotichobo
Summary: Dear Kairi, I don't hate you any more. [one shot, minor SoRiku]


Just incase you didn't see it before, there is a really small shounen-ai (boy x boy love) reference in this piece so if you don't like it, don't read it. Then again, being the bias author that I am, I say you should read it anyways because it's so small that it doesn't even matter. So read it, now. Now.

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**Learning to Love**

Dear Kairi,

You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you as I sit here, in a world without you. Why would I, a nobody, write to you? What is my purpose in this unaddressed letter? I guess you can say for the same reason you did when you wrote to Sora. This letter is more for me than anyone but I feel you must know. This is how I feel and felt about you.

I remember when I first saw you. You seemed so happy and carefree. I knew I would grow to like you, but I was wrong. Everything turned upside down once the prophecy of you being the division between Sora and Riku was revealed to me. Right then, I hated you with all my guts. I hated you with so much passion that I could have exploded with joy at your funeral. It made me happy to know how much I hated you.

I'm not the kind of person who enjoys hating so at first I tried everything I could to change my mind. Every time I saw your picture, I'd try to name positive aspects about you, but they'd always turn sour. My forced acceptance would falter to more hatred. 'You're smart' became 'You're head's too big.' 'You're thin' was twisted into 'You look like a stick.' 'You're kind, caring, and friendly' was followed by 'All the better to steal Sora away from Riku, my dear.' Most of all, I thought of you as lazy, making Sora and Riku do all the work with the raft as you sit on you're butt making silly little charms.

Soon, I gave up trying to be nice because it was just so easy giving into the hate. It felt so good, it became a hobby. I saw you as the classic damsel-in-distress type and automatically classified you as a worthless, troublesome, brain-dead girl. The more and more I fell in love with Sora x Riku, the more I hated you. How could you have even thought of taking Sora away from Riku? How could you cause so much trouble and pain?

Eventually, with the help of a certain fanfic, it hit me that even if you never existed, Sora and Riku would never be together that way. If you hadn't come along, Sora would have just fallen in love with a different girl, perhaps Selphie? Hating you could never take away Riku's pain. And yet, there was still this lingering uneasiness I had toward you. Even as I tried to revert to "complimenting" you, that deep burning feeling remained. The little evil voice inside would whisper, "you've hated her too long to stop now." So I did what any air-headed, "Kairi-like" person would do. I ignored everything until now.

Now I know why I hated you, because I was jealous. When people look at me, I wanted them to see me as someone pretty, smart, kind, caring, friendly and all those wonderful things about you. People would always tell me how great I am with my hands; it was one of the few things my mom ever complimented about me and I was jealously proud of it. Watching you make that charm made me feel like you were stealing my talent, my special, only-mine talent. However, jealousy was only the tip of the iceberg.

The reason I hated you so much for all your faults, for all your mistakes, and for all that you are was because you were, and still are, just like me. That worthless, troublesome, and brain-dead girl I saw in you was me. All along, what I saw, looking at you, was me. All along, what I loathed, hating in you, was me. Your imperfectness, your humanity that I saw was my own. You were only a tool in helping me protect myself from my own self hatred. All those years of hearing my mother rant about how inadequate, ugly, and troublesome I am had finally boiled over. All the buried feelings of worthlessness and helplessness had found their way into my image of you, Kairi. My subconscious mind reflected my own self hate onto you in a perfect spotlight. I had known this all along but had never known I knew until now. This realization is the first step in the healing process. Now that I know, I can learn to accept you; I can learn to accept me. Maybe not now or next week or next month or year but someday I will learn to love you. I will learn to love me.

Sincerely,

Still Learning

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Author's Note: So yea, here it is. Bet you guys didn't know I was such a closet emo, huh? I guess you're probably wondering what fanfic I was talking about. It's Suburbia by Falaphesian. Look it up, read it all, love it forever! That's an order! unless you are repulsed by shounen-ai then shame on you. 


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